Waking Alone
by Celos Scyen
Summary: Songfic of Squall and his fears. Song is Waking Up Beside You by Stabbing Westward....the story prior to 'What do I have to do' which is Quistis's story. SquallxRinoa


Song is Waking Up Beside You by Stabbing Westward. I don't own the lyrics or the characters. Song lyrics in italics.

_I've been so alone for so long  
Forgotten by the world  
Forgotten to myself  
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me _

Squall looked at the woman lying peacefully in his arms. Her dark brown hair swept over his chest and he slowly craned his neck to lay a gentle kiss upon her forehead. He didn't want to wake her and yet he wanted to see her eyes looking at him, reminding him that she was indeed real and not an imagination built from the yearning he felt in his mind. A yearning to just be loved and not left alone.

_And brushed the dust away  
But I knew you'd never stay _

He shook his head faintly. It was worse late at night. His paranoia about being left alone always struck him fiercely when the light of day died and silence filled the air. Even with her lying beside him, cuddled into his side; even with her steady breathing in his ears, lulling him to peaceful sleep some nights; his mind could never quite let go of the fear. And every night he slept with the painful thought that when he awoke, she would be gone.

_So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you  
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you_

She had entered his life in such a whirlwind of dazzling brightness that he had been blinded at first. Blinded to how much he needed her. The first time she had stayed the night with him had been an awakening for him. Opening not just his eyes to the world, but his heart and soul.

_I miss  
God I miss  
Waking up beside you_

It was the morning after that first that the fear started to gnaw at his guts. Every night he would lie down beside Rinoa and battle the ever-present fear that something would take her away from him if he closed his eyes for too long. For those first few weeks, he'd stumbled through the day half-asleep from his restless nights until finally she sat him down to ask what was bothering him so much.

_At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid  
Afraid the day will come  
And I'll wake and find you gone _

He finally, quietly confessed to her his fears. That she would abandon him and leave him alone again, this time blinded by the light, yet encompassed by the dark. And she had smiled that dazzling smile, cupping his face with her soft hands and kissing him gently.

"I'll be here. I promise."

_But you promised that you'd not abandon me  
And kissed my fears away  
But I woke up to that day_

They had shared many good months after that confession. His heart was soothed by her words and smile. He slept peacefully at her side once more. Life resumed at Garden and everyone noted how he was more relaxed and less cold and standoffish. Then a month ago, everything had changed. Rinoa changed. And his old fears came back.

_But I had memorized the way our eyes  
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror  
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair  
I miss  
God I miss  
Waking up beside you _

It started innocently enough. She grew annoyed at all the time he spent going on missions and tending to the functions of Balamb Garden. At first they had quarreled, but in the end she always forgave him and he would strive to spend more time with her for a few days. But eventually, he would be called back to duty and leave her alone. Perhaps that was what caused it. His own deepest fear imposed on another finally came back full circle to himself._  
_  
_I've been so alone for so long  
I forgot how much it hurts  
To wake up so alone_

She started taking trips back to Timber. At first he missed her terribly, but then so much work piled up that he would barely notice she was gone for longer and longer periods of time. When she and he were together and at Balamb, it was almost painful how awkward they felt. At night, the warmth and love that had wrapped him so securely at night fled and he lay awake, staring at her sleeping form. He finally realized what was happening two weeks before she left for the final time. He realized much too late.

_But I memorized how warm your body felt  
as you lay half asleep beside me _

She had come back to Garden from Timber after being away for almost three weeks. He had met her in the cafeteria for a quiet dinner before they both retired to his quarters. She had been silent through most the meal and he was at a loss of what to say. When they entered his room and he saw that all of her bags were still packed in the corner, he suspected. When they laid down in the bed and the intimacy they shared was merely a rote and methodical thing, he knew. They didn't speak of it out loud, but they both knew. He stayed awake the entire night, his eyes dry and itchy. The fear was gone, replaced by a cold sense of certainty. She was leaving him. He watched until dawn broke over Garden, light faintly shining through his window.

_  
And I memorized the way the sunlight  
filled the room and played upon your body _

They finally spoke of it when she woke. Not enough time for her. Differing life patterns. Of course they would remain friends and in contact, if nothing else she was still the only Sorceress around and he the Commander of the fighting force sworn to defend the world against her kind. And when she walked out of his room and out of his life he merely sat on the edge of his bed for a moment before falling back to lie on his back, staring at the ceiling, ignoring the burning in his eyes.

Alone.

_  
I miss  
God I miss  
Waking up beside you  
I miss  
God I miss  
Waking up beside you _

Squall woke with a start. His arm was curled around a pillow, as though cradling it to his chest. Sighing, he sat up and looked at the faint glimmers of sunlight coming through the window. Shivering, he pulled the covers up a bit more. It was always colder now that he slept and woke up alone.

Closing his eyes he murmured to himself.

"Abandoned."


End file.
